Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Diary of a New Hijabi

This is a letter I came across while i was going through my computer files. I wrote this four days after I made a life changing decision to wear the hijab.

November 23, 2009

Dear Allah,
My first Hijabi Photo. There is no feeling on this Earth in
comparison to the happiness and peace of mind you
receive when you subject yourself to Allah SWT and
embrace Islam.
Four nights ago I decided to make one of the ultimate forms of supplication towards you by deciding to wear the hijab. Ever since I was a child I was grasped by Islam, but as I grew older I strayed towards the path of disbelief. I knew you existed all along, but I refused to follow your rules. Something inside of me would not allow me to be the good Muslim I knew I could be all along. My lack of faith in you and in the world was something that I had no control over, but I knew that when the time would come you would lead me in the righteous path. I don’t know how I ended up wearing the hijab right now but I know that it was fate for me. It was your plan all along for me to endure hardships and to experience what it meant to have no faith in you because in the end you wanted me to come back to you as a strong Muslim. Right now my iman is stronger than ever and I am able to wear the hijab proudly and to reflect on my past with no regrets, because without my past sins I would not be in the place that I am today.
Yes there are moments where I still question why im doing this. I wonder whether the real reason I’m wearing the hijab is because of god, or maybe it’s because my friends. Other times I remind myself that yes I was influenced by my group of friends but that is a good thing. Since the first day of college I was influenced by people. In the beginning I was influenced by my friends and I was dragged into their world of partying and “fun”, but alhamdulilah, Allah drifted me in to the hands of good friends. I dropped my bad friends and became close to people that helped me become closer to God. Sometimes it takes other people to help us reach our full potential. I was never happy with the life I was leading; I was in search of something that would fill the empty void in my heart, and all along I knew it was Allah but something inside of me would not let him enter my heart. Very quickly I found myself praying more and all of a sudden I was doing more and more for Allah, to the point where I found myself wearing the hijab. Never in a million years would I have believed it if someone had told me that I would be wearing the hijab right now as an 18 year old college student. I thank Allah everyday that I did not stray forever and that I found my way back to god so quickly, while others are lost for a lifetime without iman. Sometimes al shatan gets in my mind and fills me with doubts as to why I wore the hijab but I need to remember that god had a plan for me all along. He wanted me to go through everything I went through before so I could eventually reach him. The shatan gets in my mind and tries to make me feel envious of those that don’t wear the hijab, but rather than envy, I should feel pride and I should feel sorry for them because they are the ones whom are lost. The hijab is something that makes Allah happy and there’s no better feeling in the world than pleasing allah.
When I think about all the things I’ve done in my life, it makes me grateful to Allah SWT and it makes me feel favored by Allah, that out of all the lost people in this world, he chose to guide me. I did not go through these hardships for nothing. I know what it felt like to be a weak Muslim, and a strong believer. The difference is incredible and it’s very difficult after you experience true happiness to go back to the life of regret.